chose

Irreplaceable or Not So Much?

One thing is that is popular in Christian culture is the belief that God is so loving, He is a friend, a big-brother, sometimes almost like a fuzzy teddy-bear you can talk to about anything and hug tight, and the belief that He has amazing plans for our lives. Now don’t get me wrong these things, minus the fuzzy teddy-bear, to are true and there are Biblical verses to back each of these up. However, in the midst of all the fuzziness, I think that we lose sight of what God is, a holy, righteous, all-powerful Being, whose every word that goes forth does not return void.

I think the problem that we have is that we think we are doing God a favor when we decide to follow Him, when in reality it is the complete opposite; it is an undeniable honor and privilege to be chosen by a God whose train of His robe filled His temple and has unimaginable creatures that call Him holy non-stop. Far too many of us take for granted God’s love for us and play with God like a tease, as if He needs us to accomplish His purpose. In my humble opinion, that is furthest from the truth. The moment we think God can’t operate without us, the moment we defeat ourselves.

Instead, I would say He doesn’t need us, He just desperately wants us. To me, that’s even more awesome, to know that the God who SPOKE the earth, the heavens, and the universes into existence and can very easily do what He wants when He wants how He wants, desires to use me as a vessel. That is incredible and just blows my mind. The Lord by no means had any reason to call any of us, but He did. We are sinful, wretched, messed up, and selfish people apart from the blood, but God still wanted us to be His. This should make us even more excited to go after and fulfill the purpose He has destined each of us individually, because He saw something in us that many times we never see for ourselves. He wants to take the scars, the brokenness, the failures, and somehow fit it into His master plan.

These thoughts come from several different places, somethings I heard years prior and some fairly recent, but it was Esther 4:13-14 that brought it home for me. In this part of the story Mordecai, Esther’s cousin, was trying to get her to help save the Israelites, and after she gives her reasons for apprehension, he pretty much tells her that she is not blessed for no reason and that God can still do what He needs to through someone else if she didn’t step up. First off, the same things apply in that we are blessed to be a blessing, no matter how little we think we have. We are not to be selfish people that only look out for “mine.” Our position, gifts, talents, skills, are not to be hoarded or disregarded, for God is very strategic in how He places people, but it’s the following verse that explains what I have been saying. He tells her that she very much can bring deliverance for the Jews, but if she decides to just chill out, God will use someone else, and she herself will not be saved.

The Lord’s patience is amazingly perfect, because it’s not unusual that God has to ask us over and over to do things. Like Esther, someone’s life hangs in the balance of our obedience whether we realize it or not. Furthermore, when we don’t pursue to discover and fulfill our purpose, we find ourselves dead, maybe not physically, but often times mentally and spiritually, and dissatisfied in life. (Another verse of reference here is Matthew 16:25.) On the other hand, people have shared that because of their disobedience, a person they were supposed to minister to in one way or another, died or suffered.

Nevertheless, praise God for the Esthers, those that may have needed some persuasion, but heard the call and were not afraid to put it all on the line (Esther 4:16), but believing their purpose was bigger than their own life.

Irreplaceable, in the sense that there is no other you past, present, or future, absolutely, but in the sense that we determine God’s will from being done or not, maybe not. He will get His work done with or with out you or me, so I don’t know about you, but I am willing to be drafted and willing to fight if I know I’m going to win, even if the battle looks otherwise. The Lord is gracious and created us for His glory and sent His Son to restore us back to Him so that He can use us to impact the world with His love, despite how backwards, slow moving, impatient, stubborn, lazy, irrational, needy, clueless and selfish we are. He wants you. He chose you. So go and act like it on purpose, for His purpose.

Broken

vesselWell, I don’t think I’ve even been completely transparent in what I write, but due to what’s going on, or rather has been I figured to tell someone. In doing so, I want you to know, you are not alone. Just like you my heart breaks and my soul cries, often.

Even still, I have so many doubts, insecurities, and worry. I encourage others so much, because I struggle so much internally. I question by abilities and truth be told, my physical appearance. I don’t know what it is exactly, a part of it may be my sign, I’m a Cancer, or my personality type, I’m an introverted idealist, but I hide very well, physically and mentally. Physically, I mean that I can move so very quickly and quietly like a ninja ghost, and I take pride in that lol. On the other hand, mentally, even those closest to me I know never can fully grasps how I perceive things or even perceive myself. My mind is a dangerous place to be, because there is so much always going on, which is part of the female structure. As well, I’ve been the shoulder to others and be my own shoulder; after a while, my shoulders get tired, but it’s my own shoulder that weighs the most.

Recently, I’ve just been heavy, although, it has lightened up a lot. I can’t explain exactly why, and it could be due to a mixture of things and just a hovering of something conflicting with my spirit. Still, even though I know where God is leading me, I can say that I do not see the whole stair case, and I’m not sure of the next steps. I can’t lie and say I don’t get jealous, because I do. Social media messes me up, not as much as it used to, and there are things that encourage me daily, but so often it seems like so many are receiving the very things that I desire, but not me. I am a singer, yet I wish I could do others do naturally with their own. Furthermore, I’ve passed the loneliness phase of my life, but now, sometimes it just feels like me against the world, almost like I scream but there is no one to hear me. I’ve come to know a long time ago that I am weird and I except that, and that I think and process things different. Nonetheless, generations have changed, and when I was younger I didn’t really have the friendship system that’s afforded to those younger than me, that is to say I often wonder what my life would have been like if I was born 10 years later. Plus, those that I call my best friends, and or those I’ve had intimate relationships with, it’s always long distance. It’s gets so hard because of it.

All in all, I go through this serious battle of inadequacy and self-worth, and my confidence is minimal. I haven’t been suicidal, but I will ask myself, “if I were to die, would it even matter? Would my death really impact someone’s life?” I like to be in control and know what is going on as much as possible, and a couple years back God had to remove that and because I don’t know, I don’t feel worthy enough or adequate enough to even do what I know He’s calling me to do. On one hand it’s a reverence thing because ministry is a gift and serving is an honor, and on the other it’s like no Nia, there is nothing special in you, that you can pull this off.

Now please, this is not self-pity or complaining, I just want you to see the face behind the Be You for a Purpose mask. One thing I do know is that I am a broken and limp vessel and I want to be used by Christ. But as much as I encourage, I am encouraging myself, I have to, because the Enemy likes to come and mess with my mind and my emotions, and I have to keep him at bay, less I miss out on what God has for me to do. Yes, I will lift you up, but I’m just getting used to praying for myself. Yes, I do know God has an incredible plan and purpose for me, I just have to keep the faith and trust Him, as cliche as that may sound, but He is my only hope and sustainer. But I can be stubborn and get myself worked up for no good reason to be honest, and normally when I do it’s because my commune with Jesus isn’t where it should be, almost like I go through withdrawal; I’m a feign and I need my fix. So this is me, broken, chipped, messed up, unqualified, but for some strange reason, chosen.

His love holds me together, just like it will hold you, so keep fighting with me, pressing, praying, and believing. The journey is not over. Be encouraged.