broken

No Bones Broken

Wow! It’s been far too long since I have written or posted anything, so I am so glad to be here with you in this moment as you are read this. Thus, my prayer is that you are encouraged and likewise challenged by this blog.

Side note: A great portion of what I write comes from something I read in devotional, recreational, or educational books or texts, where I have taken a point and added my own twist or expounded on it. So, I just want to encourage you to read as much as you can, because there is so much out there to be consumed that you will inevitably grow, be stretched, mature, develop, and become a better person.

Nevertheless, this particular writing is based on a short conversation I had with a co-worker of mine. In a nutshell, she has been having issues with others on the job, almost to the point where she is ready to reach back and awaken the woman she was before she met Christ. As she was dropping me at the train station she told me that she was at her breaking point. And like clock work as I was getting out the car, I said to her, “if Jesus didn’t break any bones, you don’t have to break your temper.” I know for a fact that was nothing but God, because God tends to speak to me when I am speaking and or ministering or encouraging someone else; kind of like the after effects of devotions and readings I guess.

Extra side note: I have mentioned it before, but again, recognize and learn how the Lord tends to speak to you, whether to comfort, challenge, confirm, compel, or convict, that way it becomes easier to know and discern when He is speaking or otherwise. But of course, God speaks to us in various ways in different times and situations, so the worst thing you can do is put Him in a box, so just be sensitive to His voice.

Back to the point of this post. As I considered what I had said, it was so very humbling. Thinking of all that Jesus went through on our behalf, the ripping, tearing of skin, profuse bleeding, bruising, swelling, mocking, and spitting, yet he never broke. Old Testament prophesy told us none of his bones would be broken (Numbers 9:12; Psalm 34:20), but I believe that it goes deeper than the physical. I mean think about it. Jesus had every right and reason to be angry, yet he never responded to the insults hurled against him, let alone did he try to get himself out of being crucified. He didn’t break emotionally, mentally, or spiritually in that the purpose, promises, or love of God through his only son would be compromised. He saw his work completed all the way through and never said a word of rebuttal.

Wow.

As we live to be ourselves for a purpose, what an awesome reminder that despite the trials, storms, and persecutions we will experience, we don’t have to crack or break under pressure assuming the power and strength of the same active Holy Spirit that carried Jesus all the way to the cross. Yes, we will be scratched, bent, bruised, mocked, lied on, persecuted, made fun of, bet against, pained, pierced, and cut – mainly metaphorical but possibly literal – but because Jesus experienced it like us, if not exceedingly more, it doesn’t have to break us. None of those things should have the ability to break the formation of what God is calling us to be, but rather empower and compel us to fully carry out the plan that God has for our lives with the work of His Spirit in us.

No bones broken. Because Jesus didn’t break, and the same resurrection power that raised him up is inside of us, though we might bend, may we never break, less the full, rich, favored, and abundant life God wants to give us be forfeited or disrupted.

Broken

vesselWell, I don’t think I’ve even been completely transparent in what I write, but due to what’s going on, or rather has been I figured to tell someone. In doing so, I want you to know, you are not alone. Just like you my heart breaks and my soul cries, often.

Even still, I have so many doubts, insecurities, and worry. I encourage others so much, because I struggle so much internally. I question by abilities and truth be told, my physical appearance. I don’t know what it is exactly, a part of it may be my sign, I’m a Cancer, or my personality type, I’m an introverted idealist, but I hide very well, physically and mentally. Physically, I mean that I can move so very quickly and quietly like a ninja ghost, and I take pride in that lol. On the other hand, mentally, even those closest to me I know never can fully grasps how I perceive things or even perceive myself. My mind is a dangerous place to be, because there is so much always going on, which is part of the female structure. As well, I’ve been the shoulder to others and be my own shoulder; after a while, my shoulders get tired, but it’s my own shoulder that weighs the most.

Recently, I’ve just been heavy, although, it has lightened up a lot. I can’t explain exactly why, and it could be due to a mixture of things and just a hovering of something conflicting with my spirit. Still, even though I know where God is leading me, I can say that I do not see the whole stair case, and I’m not sure of the next steps. I can’t lie and say I don’t get jealous, because I do. Social media messes me up, not as much as it used to, and there are things that encourage me daily, but so often it seems like so many are receiving the very things that I desire, but not me. I am a singer, yet I wish I could do others do naturally with their own. Furthermore, I’ve passed the loneliness phase of my life, but now, sometimes it just feels like me against the world, almost like I scream but there is no one to hear me. I’ve come to know a long time ago that I am weird and I except that, and that I think and process things different. Nonetheless, generations have changed, and when I was younger I didn’t really have the friendship system that’s afforded to those younger than me, that is to say I often wonder what my life would have been like if I was born 10 years later. Plus, those that I call my best friends, and or those I’ve had intimate relationships with, it’s always long distance. It’s gets so hard because of it.

All in all, I go through this serious battle of inadequacy and self-worth, and my confidence is minimal. I haven’t been suicidal, but I will ask myself, “if I were to die, would it even matter? Would my death really impact someone’s life?” I like to be in control and know what is going on as much as possible, and a couple years back God had to remove that and because I don’t know, I don’t feel worthy enough or adequate enough to even do what I know He’s calling me to do. On one hand it’s a reverence thing because ministry is a gift and serving is an honor, and on the other it’s like no Nia, there is nothing special in you, that you can pull this off.

Now please, this is not self-pity or complaining, I just want you to see the face behind the Be You for a Purpose mask. One thing I do know is that I am a broken and limp vessel and I want to be used by Christ. But as much as I encourage, I am encouraging myself, I have to, because the Enemy likes to come and mess with my mind and my emotions, and I have to keep him at bay, less I miss out on what God has for me to do. Yes, I will lift you up, but I’m just getting used to praying for myself. Yes, I do know God has an incredible plan and purpose for me, I just have to keep the faith and trust Him, as cliche as that may sound, but He is my only hope and sustainer. But I can be stubborn and get myself worked up for no good reason to be honest, and normally when I do it’s because my commune with Jesus isn’t where it should be, almost like I go through withdrawal; I’m a feign and I need my fix. So this is me, broken, chipped, messed up, unqualified, but for some strange reason, chosen.

His love holds me together, just like it will hold you, so keep fighting with me, pressing, praying, and believing. The journey is not over. Be encouraged.

Life Song

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I once heard Jamie Foxx in an interview say something similar, if not repeating, what Steve Maraboli stated, “God is the composer; you are the song.” Frankly, I love that quote because there is so much in there. When you think of a composer, you think of one with a vision, one with a purpose. A composer starts off with a blank page and begins to write out the song of your life: all the notes and bass lines, the beats the breaks, the sharps and the flats. however sometimes when the song is being played, the music just kind of goes off the beaten path and before you realize it, there are broken chords and wrong notes, sometimes that weren’t even supposed to be a part of the original song. Still, any great composer can take those broken chords and turn those wrong notes into a beautiful piece, into a song that can never again be duplicated. “Life is a song; love your lyrics.”

When you think about a piano, there are white keys and black keys, so let’s say that the white keys are the good days or the more pleasant experiences, and the black keys are the less favorable ones. I love how someone else put it, “as you go through your life’s journey, remember the black keys make music too.” With all that said, I want to encourage you that your life is a beautiful song, full of white notes, and like the piano, more white than black. colorStill, however many you have, let your life’s music be glorious and resonate to those that would listen to your music. God’s song for you is far greater than you can imagine. Even though, sometime we want to be the composer and begin to add notes and lines and or even delete chords that were already written. This makes me love God all the more because He takes them and make ugly beautiful. So if you feel that you have hit a sour note in your life or things are just not as graceful as you would hope, remember that God is the Master Composer and He doesn’t make mistakes and knows how each part of your story creates a wonder that the world is waiting to see and hear. Trust God with every stroke of the key, because He had a purpose when He wrote your life song; He knew who it was going to reach, whose heart it would touch, and what life it would effect.

Know the Composer, know your music, for life is a song and God is the composer. Let the music of your heart and soul impact the world.