Jesus

Broken

Well, I don’t think I’ve even been completely transparent in what I write, but due to what’s going on, or rather has been I figured to tell someone. In doing so, I want you to know, you are not alone. Just like you my heart breaks and my soul cries, often.

Even still, I have so many doubts, insecurities, and worry. I encourage others so much, because I struggle so much internally. I question by abilities and truth be told, my physical appearance. I don’t know what it is exactly, a part of it may be my sign, I’m a Cancer, or my personality type, I’m an introverted idealist, but I hide very well, physically and mentally. Physically, I mean that I can move so very quickly and quietly like a ninja ghost, and I take pride in that lol. On the other hand, mentally, even those closest to me I know never can fully grasps how I perceive things or even perceive myself. My mind is a dangerous place to be, because there is so much always going on, which is part of the female structure. As well, I’ve been the shoulder to others and be my own shoulder; after a while, my shoulders get tired, but it’s my own shoulder that weighs the most.

Recently, I’ve just been heavy, although, it has lightened up a lot. I can’t explain exactly why, and it could be due to a mixture of things and just a hovering of something conflicting with my spirit. Still, even though I know where God is leading me, I can say that I do not see the whole stair case, and I’m not sure of the next steps. I can’t lie and say I don’t get jealous, because I do. Social media messes me up, not as much as it used to, and there are things that encourage me daily, but so often it seems like so many are receiving the very things that I desire, but not me. I am a singer, yet I wish I could do others do naturally with their own. Furthermore, I’ve passed the loneliness phase of my life, but now, sometimes it just feels like me against the world, almost like I scream but there is no one to hear me. I’ve come to know a long time ago that I am weird and I except that, and that I think and process things different. Nonetheless, generations have changed, and when I was younger I didn’t really have the friendship system that’s afforded to those younger than me, that is to say I often wonder what my life would have been like if I was born 10 years later. Plus, those that I call my best friends, and or those I’ve had intimate relationships with, it’s always long distance. It’s gets so hard because of it.

All in all, I go through this serious battle of inadequacy and self-worth, and my confidence is minimal. I haven’t been suicidal, but I will ask myself, “if I were to die, would it even matter? Would my death really impact someone’s life?” I like to be in control and know what is going on as much as possible, and a couple years back God had to remove that and because I don’t know, I don’t feel worthy enough or adequate enough to even do what I know He’s calling me to do. On one hand it’s a reverence thing because ministry is a gift and serving is an honor, and on the other it’s like no Nia, there is nothing special in you, that you can pull this off.

Now please, this is not self-pity or complaining, I just want you to see the face behind the Be You for a Purpose mask. One thing I do know is that I am a broken and limp vessel and I want to be used by Christ. But as much as I encourage, I am encouraging myself, I have to, because the Enemy likes to come and mess with my mind and my emotions, and I have to keep him at bay, less I miss out on what God has for me to do. Yes, I will lift you up, but I’m just getting used to praying for myself. Yes, I do know God has an incredible plan and purpose for me, I just have to keep the faith and trust Him, as cliche as that may sound, but He is my only hope and sustainer. But I can be stubborn and get myself worked up for no good reason to be honest, and normally when I do it’s because my commune with Jesus isn’t where it should be, almost like I go through withdrawal; I’m a feign and I need my fix. So this is me, broken, chipped, messed up, unqualified, but for some strange reason, chosen.

His love holds me together, just like it will hold you, so keep fighting with me, pressing, praying, and believing. The journey is not over. Be encouraged.

Temptation

So 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except which is common to man; but God who is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you will be able to bear it.”

I actually heard Tony Evans speak on it not long ago. Long story short, this verse is used too often the wrong way. When people normally go through various trials or hardships, they quote this verse as motivation that they can get through. In a sense that’s good. Although, I think what people are missing is the word “temptation.” Paul specifically says that we won’t be tempted beyond what we can bear. That is to say that whatever the Devil could ever use to tempt you, there will never be a situation so compromising that you would not be able to resist the attempt of the enemy. That’s it. Still, if you are truly being tempted, you can overcome rather than succumb into falling into sin.

Nonetheless, in most cases when it is used, it’s as if life will never get so bad that we can’t bear it. That couldn’t be further from the truth. How many times have you or someone you know been in a situation that you honestly could say was unbearable, and this has nothing to do with being tempted. Just think of characters in the Bible like Job (Job 3:21; 6:9; 7:15-16), he lost everything and everyone in his life, apart from his friends, most of which didn’t help the situation at all. Do you think he could bear it? Or Jeremiah he almost lost in (Jeremiah 20), or Moses (Numbers 20) when he lost his cool dealing with the Israelites, or Paul (2 Corinthians 11:22-29; 12:7-8), or Elijah (1 Kings 19:4), or even Jesus (Luke 22:42). All these were great men of God, but they couldn’t handle it. So why should we think we will go through life with just situations that we can bear?

The truth of the matter, when we are put in those situations, God shows His awesome power and glory, and grace and mercy all the more. When we get to those unbearable times in life, He wants to prove that He can. As we face those situations, God’s purpose is to show us how much we truly need Him; He never meant for you to bear the unbearable alone (Matthew 11:28; 2 Corinthians 12:9). So I encourage you, if you are going through something you can’t bear, that’s okay. Why? God can, so lean on Him, cry out to Him, and hold on to Him, because your life hear and after depends on Him.

Matrix

The More I mature, the Christian walk seems more and more like the Matrix. The idea of Matrix is that the world we live in is only a cover up of reality. I think of Morpheus and how he came to Anderson (which happens to be my last name) and gave him the option to join him or go back to life as he knew it. Jesus did the exact same thing with his disciples. He gave them a choice: red pill or blue pill. He gives us a choice follow him or refute him.

As a Christian, we learn the Word and it’s like the scales our removed from our eyes; our perspectives and world views change and the truth is revealed. Just like the movie, there were many people inside of the Matrix, but not that many on the outside. Like Jesus said, “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it,” Matthew 7:13-14. Furthermore, if you’ve seen the movie, you know that the enemy was not perceived by those in the Matrix, only those on the outside. Paul told the church in Ephesus the same thing, the “struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” As Christians, our spirits our more sensitive to the evilness in the world that we were unaware of before coming to Christ.

If you remember the movie, those who were no longer in the matrix, like Neo, they didn’t live glamorously; they actually looked shabby. The Christian life is a life of suffering, and Paul talked about it plenty in the old testament. In the same way, they looked broken, which is how we should be, because God has to break us to build us. However, they did go back to the Matrix from time to time to save the world from the machines and looked the part. As Christians we have to live in this world, even though it is not our home, and help bring people to safety (witnessing).

The best part about it, “bullet time.” Just as Jesus chooses us, Morpheus picked Neo. Although, he could not just fight on his own, he had to train. We have to train – 1 Timothy 4:7 and Hebrews 5:14 – Through reading, studying, listening, praying, and fasting we train ourselves not only to defeat the enemy, but to understand the world around us and not get caught up in the illusion and deceit, even the things that seem right, like Neo. Needless to say, the most popular scene in the movie is when the enemy is shooting and he bends all the way backward and avoids the bullets. We were given armor to defeat and defer the attacks of the enemy (Ephesians 6). As we grow, mature, and solidify our walk and salvation, the enemy becomes weaker; we become stronger through Christ. As we stay faithful we will be able to accomplish more things than we imagine and no obstacle is too great.

Our purpose is not inside the Matrix; it’s not found in this world. Our purpose comes from heaven. Only Christ can open our eyes. So I ask, red pill or blue pill?

Weapons with a Purpose: Fight

So in working with the youth band, I ended up doing a series on the weapons we have to fight the enemy that are sure to work: his blood, your testimony, his word, and your praise. These four have the ability to do serious damage to the schemes of the enemy.

His Blood: Revelation 12:11 tells the story of the fall of Lucifer. He was kicked out of heaven, fell on Earth and has brought destruction ever since. However, in this verse we learn that we overcome him by the blood of the Lamb. First and foremost, we must realize the power of the blood. It saved us and now protects us from the enemy’s schemes. Because of the blood, we are no longer guilty in front of God. This passage calls Satan the accuser; he regularly goes to Heaven and questions the things we do, trying to convince God that we are not His. But then God looks at us, but the blood of our defender makes us not guilty; we are free from the bondage of sin. So live in victory, knowing that you may mess up, but we are God’s children forever and He will never leave us. Nothing can separate us from His love.

Your Testimony: Revelation also mentions another weapon that defeats the enemy – our testimony. I often come across people that are reluctant to share their testimony, because they are ashamed, or they feel that it is insignificant. However, I am here to tell you that sharing your testimony of how God has delivered you or sustained you or kept you is a mighty way of defeating the enemy. When you walk and talk, and embrace the power of God and what He has done in your life, you break the chains of Satan, not only you, but someone else can be encouraged just by hearing what God has done for you. Don’t be afraid of your testimony.

His Word: Ephesians 6:17 specifically calls His Word the sword in the armor of God. The greatest example of this, is Jesus himself. He conquered Satan when he was tempted in the wilderness (Luke 4). Each time Satan tried to make him fall, Jesus responded “it is written,” and eventually the Devil left. Satan is the father of lies so when he comes for us, even as an angel of light, when we know and understand the Word for ourselves, that is the fail proof way to make the Devil flee.

Your Praise: 2 Chronicles 20:12, 18-20 tells the story of King Jehosophat. The Israelites were facing and army they could not defeat, nor did they have a clue as to what to do. Thus Jehosophat went to God and simply worshipped God and commanded the people to do the same. During their worship, God himself fought for them and they were victorious against their enemies. The same goes for us. Many times there are obstacles and things in our lives that are too big for us to handle. But, the sure way to confuse the enemy is to go to God and worship Him in the midst. Joshua also did so in Jericho; they praised God and the walls came tumbling down. So the encouragement is to use a great weapon that is often times down played or overlooked: praise. Praise and worship is so critical, because it’s a defense mechanism, and it gives us the power to stop the giants and enemy in their tracks.

Know that greater is He who is in you than He that is in the world (1 John 4:4), and if you forget, you still have these four weapons to literally destroy your baddest enemy, Satan and his demons. Be encouraged and fight. Satan knows God has an amazing purpose for you and wants to hinder and destroy it every opportunity he gets. Fight. We have the victory.

A Caged Bird

So this post is kind of personal, so bare with me. Nonetheless, I am a natural thinker and so every situation I dissect and look to see what in the world the Lord is trying to teach me. That may sound a little cliché, but it is so very true. Last year especially, I was taught that in situations you don’t like and or understand don’t ask God why something is happening, but rather what it is He wants to show you and or do in, through, or for you. It inevitably changed my perception on so many things; my perception on life has matured and reinforced my mantel of purpose.

Needless to say, this current situation has made me feel like a caged bird. Although it’s already enough drama, I feel like I am walking on eggshells, even when I sing. In addition I want to write and express myself, but that is put under a microscope just as much. One thing, I am definitely realizing about myself is that mercy is not my spiritual gift. I mean I will be sympathetic and compassionate, but after a while people need a reality check and a push forward. That’s just me. Yet still, as much as I want to be me, I can’t. Like a caged bird, I feel locked up in my emotions and locked away from my passion, to spare others’ sensitivity.

Three quotes come to mind. This first one, I heard my dad preach in a sermon some time ago: “the goal in life is not to find your freedom, but to find your master, and in that you will discover your freedom.” So, when I look around I must ask who am I truly let govern me? Myself? The opinions of others? Or Christ? The most freedom I found is in Christ; He created me, so he knows me and what I need and even my deepest desires.

My younger sister blew my mind last night in our conversation when she said this, “freedom only comes from captivity.” This means that when I am locked up, one, it’s only for a season. Two, the glory will be greater and more effective when I come out on the other side. Freedom will be so sweet, in knowing what it means to be captive.

The last is from Dr. Seuss: “Be you who are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” This reminds me to just be myself, and that those who need to be there will, and I won’t have to change who I am to accommodate someone else. And sidebar: truth hurts.

Yet, at the same time, I consistently question and monitor my own motives and attitude, because God can’t be glorified if I don’t have a mind of Christ and am not focused on Him. If my mind and spirit aren’t right, I can inadvertently compromise my testimony.

So all in all, if you feel like a caged bird, like I have lately, don’t be discouraged. God has a purpose and a plan, that He is setting up in the heavenly realm. He created you in such a way that some people just don’t understand, and can’t comprehend. But, know what God’s purpose is for you and stick to it. His opinion is the only one that matters. When He is ready, your time will come and the cage door will open, and the world will come to know His name by your name, which is why this caged bird sings: she has a purpose, and a gift that God calls irrevocable.