Month: May 2013

Broken

vesselWell, I don’t think I’ve even been completely transparent in what I write, but due to what’s going on, or rather has been I figured to tell someone. In doing so, I want you to know, you are not alone. Just like you my heart breaks and my soul cries, often.

Even still, I have so many doubts, insecurities, and worry. I encourage others so much, because I struggle so much internally. I question by abilities and truth be told, my physical appearance. I don’t know what it is exactly, a part of it may be my sign, I’m a Cancer, or my personality type, I’m an introverted idealist, but I hide very well, physically and mentally. Physically, I mean that I can move so very quickly and quietly like a ninja ghost, and I take pride in that lol. On the other hand, mentally, even those closest to me I know never can fully grasps how I perceive things or even perceive myself. My mind is a dangerous place to be, because there is so much always going on, which is part of the female structure. As well, I’ve been the shoulder to others and be my own shoulder; after a while, my shoulders get tired, but it’s my own shoulder that weighs the most.

Recently, I’ve just been heavy, although, it has lightened up a lot. I can’t explain exactly why, and it could be due to a mixture of things and just a hovering of something conflicting with my spirit. Still, even though I know where God is leading me, I can say that I do not see the whole stair case, and I’m not sure of the next steps. I can’t lie and say I don’t get jealous, because I do. Social media messes me up, not as much as it used to, and there are things that encourage me daily, but so often it seems like so many are receiving the very things that I desire, but not me. I am a singer, yet I wish I could do others do naturally with their own. Furthermore, I’ve passed the loneliness phase of my life, but now, sometimes it just feels like me against the world, almost like I scream but there is no one to hear me. I’ve come to know a long time ago that I am weird and I except that, and that I think and process things different. Nonetheless, generations have changed, and when I was younger I didn’t really have the friendship system that’s afforded to those younger than me, that is to say I often wonder what my life would have been like if I was born 10 years later. Plus, those that I call my best friends, and or those I’ve had intimate relationships with, it’s always long distance. It’s gets so hard because of it.

All in all, I go through this serious battle of inadequacy and self-worth, and my confidence is minimal. I haven’t been suicidal, but I will ask myself, “if I were to die, would it even matter? Would my death really impact someone’s life?” I like to be in control and know what is going on as much as possible, and a couple years back God had to remove that and because I don’t know, I don’t feel worthy enough or adequate enough to even do what I know He’s calling me to do. On one hand it’s a reverence thing because ministry is a gift and serving is an honor, and on the other it’s like no Nia, there is nothing special in you, that you can pull this off.

Now please, this is not self-pity or complaining, I just want you to see the face behind the Be You for a Purpose mask. One thing I do know is that I am a broken and limp vessel and I want to be used by Christ. But as much as I encourage, I am encouraging myself, I have to, because the Enemy likes to come and mess with my mind and my emotions, and I have to keep him at bay, less I miss out on what God has for me to do. Yes, I will lift you up, but I’m just getting used to praying for myself. Yes, I do know God has an incredible plan and purpose for me, I just have to keep the faith and trust Him, as cliche as that may sound, but He is my only hope and sustainer. But I can be stubborn and get myself worked up for no good reason to be honest, and normally when I do it’s because my commune with Jesus isn’t where it should be, almost like I go through withdrawal; I’m a feign and I need my fix. So this is me, broken, chipped, messed up, unqualified, but for some strange reason, chosen.

His love holds me together, just like it will hold you, so keep fighting with me, pressing, praying, and believing. The journey is not over. Be encouraged.

Spring

I considered a more creative title, but in life I’ve learned the value of simplicity. Anyhow, budthis time the year is what we’ve known to be as spring. Most people enjoy this season because of the weather and the flowers that bud and the chance to wear bright colors. However, today reminded me that Spring is about new life more than anything else. For example, many weddings are in the Spring, as well as most graduations. Needless today, my cousin gets married today, and my home girl graduates too, still of course there are so many others that I know will be or have already graduated, have or will getting married within these next couple weeks.

A new beginning. This is the season of rebirth and change. Life changes all the time, and we can’t help that. Yet, every now and then, we anticipate these changes, ready to embrace a new journey, start a new chapter, or if nothing else, just take a chance. So my encouragement to you, if you are budding in this season and God has allowed you to experience new things, embrace it, love it, and grow. As you bud remember God is with you, don’t be afraid, for He has an amazing purpose for you. Your path doesn’t stop here. Isaiah 43:18 tells us to forget the former things. The way I heard it explained, don’t settle with what you’ve already accomplished (or the things that hurt you). Yes, celebrate and be thankful, but don’t dwell on it, because God has even greater things in store if you keep reaching a little higher. God is so awesome, it’s almost like He says, “Oh you think, that what something? Just wait until next Spring.” He continually wants to blow are minds at His power, love, favor, and faithfulness. So bud and keep blossoming as you start this new thing in your life. Keep your eyes focused on the cross. He will never steer you wrong. I’m a witness.

On the other hand, maybe for you it may be Spring outside, but in your life it’s been nothing but a dry plateau. Well, we serve a God that makes a stream in the desert (Isaiah 43:19). You may feel like everyone else around you is moving on in their lives to bigger and better things, but you aren’t. Either you thought you would be in a different place by now, or things just aren’t working anymore. You feel God is blessing everyone else…but you. You thing He has forgotten you and your old situation. Well let me tell, that couldn’t be further from the truth. He has not forgotten about you and wants to fulfill His purpose in your life. It may be a little rainy, more than you want, but some of the rarest and most beautiful flowers need more rain to grow, and some even take longer to bloom. Still, if you learn to dance in the rain, change your perspective, your life will change. Either way, hold on because your season is coming and God is preparing you, so keep focused on Him and when your heart is ready for your blessing, your Spring will be even more glorious.

Temptation

unbearableSo 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, “No temptation has overtaken you except which is common to man; but God who is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you will be able to bear it.”

I actually heard Tony Evans speak on it not long ago. Long story short, this verse is used too often the wrong way. When people normally go through various trials or hardships, they quote this verse as motivation that they can get through. In a sense that’s good. Although, I think what people are missing is the word “temptation.” Paul specifically says that we won’t be tempted beyond what we can bear. That is to say that whatever the Devil could ever use to tempt you, there will never be a situation so compromising that you would not be able to resist the attempt of the enemy. That’s it. Still, if you are truly being tempted, you can overcome rather than succumb into falling into sin.

Nonetheless, in most cases when it is used, it’s as if life will never get so bad that we can’t bear it. That couldn’t be further from the truth. How many times have you or someone you know been in a situation that you honestly could say was unbearable, and this has nothing to do with being tempted. Just think of characters in the Bible like Job (Job 3:21; 6:9; 7:15-16), he lost everything and everyone in his life, apart from his friends, most of which didn’t help the situation at all. Do you think he could bear it? Or Jeremiah he almost lost in (Jeremiah 20), or Moses (Numbers 20) when he lost his cool dealing with the Israelites, or Paul (2 Corinthians 11:22-29; 12:7-8), or Elijah (1 Kings 19:4), or even Jesus (Luke 22:42). All these were great men of God, but they couldn’t handle it. So why should we think we will go through life with just situations that we can bear?

The truth of the matter, when we are put in those situations, God shows His awesome power and glory, and grace and mercy all the more. When we get to those unbearable times in life, He wants to prove that He can. As we face those situations, God’s purpose is to show us how much we truly need Him; He never meant for you to bear the unbearable alone (Matthew 11:28; 2 Corinthians 12:9). So I encourage you, if you are going through something you can’t bear, that’s okay. Why? God can, so lean on Him, cry out to Him, and hold on to Him, because your life hear and after depends on Him.